3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
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Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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