Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
