I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
