I am spending my child support on dildos
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
