I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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