don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
