i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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