I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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