I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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