That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
