mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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