Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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