So drunk its hurt
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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