dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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