I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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