My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
