I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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