She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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