Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
