I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
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Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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