Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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