All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
