Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
