My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Randomize
