Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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