Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
