Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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