But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
