He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
