I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
