4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Acid is not a monday night drug
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
