u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.