do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
