Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
