homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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