Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
