My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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