Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
