Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
