Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
