I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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