i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
