4 words: hood of his car
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
