Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
