oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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