I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
