How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
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I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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