your thong is hanging out like whoa
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
