People in love make me want to vomit
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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