he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
