I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
