I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
