he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
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I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
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Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I forget how to act sober
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