Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
