Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
